Living la Vida Loca
by NeahAllenWalker
Summary: Allen was having enough trouble hiding from the order before his golem went and decided to get itself knocked up. Now Allen not only has to hide himself and keep Timcanpy out of trouble, but he also has to take care of Timcanpy's golem spawn! (There may be hints of Yullen and Pieshipping)
1. Chapter 1

Sometimes Allen wished he just had a standard order golem. Of course, having Timcanpy had its perks and all, but sometimes on the off day, having it was a pain. Today was definitely one of those days.

Allen had just finished his day of work out on the street and he pulled off his bald cap as he walked into his hotel room. He looked up only to be met with an unwelcome sight. The only thing to describe the scene would be "getting it on".

Timcanpy, his _golem_, was "getting it on" with another golem, of a turquoise and cerulean nature. In his room. "What the bloody hell?!" Allen shrieked in a high pitched voice, unable to even think coherently.

He could have sworn that both golems gave him a look that seemed to scream "bitch got a problem?" before the unfamiliar golem flapped its wings and flew away out the open window.

"Timcanpy?! You- what… What?" Allen stuttered, gesturing at the window and then back at his golem. It grinned widely at the flustered boy.

Allen trudged down the street, Timcanpy on his shoulder, swinging its tail back and forth. It had been almost a month from the time that he had walked in on something he had wished he never had to see, and the golem already had a sort of little bulge on its underbelly.

After escaping from Apocryphos, Timcanpy had shrunk down a bit, but it began to grow again to accommodate the golem spawn that currently was inside it. It appeared to develop faster than a human child, and as he heard a choking noise coming from the golem, he quickly pulled up a bag as Timcanpy began to retch into it.

_Why me?_ Allen wondered, as he stuck Timcanpy in his bag and got ready for another day of street performing.

The teenaged Destroyer of Time had been on the corner for about half the day, and was surrounded by a large group of people. After a particularly impressive performance, he held out a hat to collect funds only to freeze as he saw a face he recognized.

"Johnny, what are you doing? We need to move on," an annoyed voice called to him as the person it belonged to rudely pushed through the crowd. Allen nearly had a heart attack as Yuu Kanda emerged from the crowd in his usual irritated way.

Allen tried to sneak away as the two talked with each other, only to stop as he sensed an akuma directly below him. The machine raised itself up and swallowed half of Allen and a poor girl caught in the cross-fire next to him. Allen reached down and grabbed a hold of the child before activating his Innocence, the mask appearing over his head as the akuma exploded outwards.

Johnny and Kanda looked shocked- or in Kanda's case, as shocked as he could- as they saw the akuma blow up and their comrade step out of the wreckage. "I'm sorry. That trick was too scary," Allen said, wiping a tear away from the girl's face, as her mother raced over to her.

"Allen! We've been looking everywhere for-" Johnny trailed off as Allen dashed away after looking left and right. The teenager let out an undignified squeak as he was tripped to the ground by an irate swordsman, and then had his face practically scraped off as Kanda attacked it with a towel produced by Johnny.

Timcanpy emerged from his bag then and hissed at Kanda. The Exorcist raised an eyebrow. "Oi, Moyashi, is there something wrong with your golem? It's fat."

Allen pressed his lips together, unable to answer.

He didn't have to, however, because Timcanpy chose that exact moment to vomit all over the ponytail-wearing swordsman's hair.

"Um… surprise?" Allen said, smiling embarrassedly.

* * *

**NAW: Um... anyone following my Let Your Silence Sing story... Eheh you guys probably hate me ^^; I've reached "that" point in the story where I just don't want to write what I have prewritten because it is nasty and I came up with something better, so I'm currently in the process of brainstorming each and every word I want to write... I'm sorry :c**

**Neah: Basically, she's saying "here, have another story because I'm too lazy to rewrite the other one quickly"**

**NAW: THAT'S NOT WHAT I AM-**

**Neah: *Gives a look***

**NAW: OKAY MAYBE, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT TTATT Also, the other golem in this story belongs to Timothy because he "wants a golem exactly like Allen's"**

**Allen: Please read and review~ NAW doesn't own D. Gray-Man**

**NAW: The idea for getting Timcanpy pregnant actually came from my father because we weren't sure if Timcanpy was alive or not. Teehee (I mean, he has saliva, teeth, he ****_eats_****.) Yep. Then this entire plot line popped into my mind when I was in the shower one day... so, yeah. Here you go ^u^ Also, I've seen a few people who think Timcanpy is a boy but... I think he would be like a snail. :3 Like, ya got both parts but ya need another one to get it pregnant. Does anyone remember in the manga when Timothy asked for a golem like Timcanpy? Yeah. This story completely hinges on him winning that game of chess with Komui. Yep. Timothy is awesome :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**NAW: Okay, so, anyone who's read volume 24... yep, you're just going to have to forget all of that. This chapter is starting, like, right after volume 23 ends.**

* * *

"I'm not sure whether I should be impressed or not," Kanda finally said as he absentmindedly played a game of chess with a concentrating Link who had joined their quote-unquote "odd squad" shortly after him and Johnny.

Allen looked up from the sandwich he was currently trying to keep away from his pregnant golem. "What do you mean?"

"Well, somehow, you manage to get the one golem that gets pregnant. Ah. Checkmate." Link groaned and wandered away from the table looking flustered. He eventually made his way over to Johnny, who was fiddling with some sort of high-tech-looking device. "It seems you are even more unlucky than anyone I have met before."

Allen could almost hear the smugness in Kanda's voice, and he growled, tearing the sandwich in half and forking over one half to the golem who quickly devoured it. Allen quickly stuffed the other half in his mouth before Timcanpy could attack that one as well.

They had decided when they first got into this town that they would have to switch places every two or three days. This being the day, after the little bit of distraction that they allowed themselves, they packed up whatever belongings they had taken out and left.

Before long, Timcanpy was asleep, not having nearly as much energy as it used to.

Since it was about seven in the evening when they had left- right after supper- they reached a new town just before dawn. Allen used some of the money he had earned as a clown to pay for their room after Kanda had given him a dirty look.

It being as early as it was, they all decided that it was just about time to sleep.

* * *

Allen, Link, Kanda, and Johnny were just trying to have a peaceful sleep, but that seemed not to be.

In the middle of the night, they all heard a horrible wheezing sound, like a cat with asthma. Allen just rolled over, not even awakening until he was bashed over the head by Kanda. Link had already gotten on his feet, knives at the ready; the work of years of training. Johnny sleepily rubbed his eyes and yawned before forcing himself out of bed.

They all got up to find Timcanpy hovering in the air with its mouth open, making that terrible sound. They exchanged glances as Kanda walked over to poke the thing and hopefully shut it up. He along with the rest of them made undignified squeaks as the golem hacked louder at the prod and something came shooting out of its mouth.

A loud wailing came from the object.

Kanda shivered in disgust.

There, in his arms, was a human infant.

Timcanpy grinned once more at the poor, confused men.

* * *

**NAW: Before I say anything else, I have got to know... Has anyone else heard the song Waltz of the Ringmaster by Embryon? I don't know why, but I've just gotten obsessed with that song o3o Okay, back to story mode... I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with this story. I'm just kind of making it up as I go, so if things don't make sense, that's probably why. And ugggh short chapter -_-**

**Neah: Yeah, as I've told you before, you need to plan these things, seriously!**

**NAW: Who asked you?! I just wanted to write a story and it developed more into a crack fanfic! It's totally not my fault *Cries***

**Allen: NAW doesn't own D. Gray-Man, and most likely never will. Please read and review, and favourite and follow if you like it ^u^**

**NAW: Thank you to midnightstardust for reviewing** **(**I am now continuing ) I hope I live up to your expectations**) and following! I really appreciate it ^u^**


	3. Chapter 3

It was an understatement to say that Allen was upset. Earlier that morning, his golem had not only eaten most of his breakfast, but to add insult to injury, he had vomited on the remaining scraps. Then, the golem had the gall to barf up its spawn onto Bakanda. It may or may not be true that Kanda was even more irritated by this than Allen, however. It was way too early at this point for Allen to even consider being amused by this accosting of his enemy.

Johnny peered into Kanda's arms and cooed at the infant who was still crying.

Link furiously scribbled into his stalker diary.

"Wait. Shouldn't it be a golem? Why is it human?" Johnny asked, looking completely stumped.

The blonde haired stalker half raised his hand. "I think I have an idea." Once he finished writing down what he currently was, he flipped to an earlier page. "Golem was destroyed; akuma killed as golem reformed…" he trailed off.

Everyone stared at him, and then at Allen. Allen shrugged, shaking his head, obviously just as clueless as to what Link suggested.

Link sighed. "What if part of the akuma influenced the reformation of it?" he prompted.

"And that might be why it came out human!" Johnny exclaimed, catching onto Link's drift first.

"Ohhh," Kanda and Allen said quietly in understanding.

Allen yanked Timcanpy out of the air, where it was fluttering, by its tail. "I swear I will destroy you if you cause any more trouble. And don't expect us to do the work of putting up with the kid!" Allen could have sworn he saw an imaginary eyebrow rise on the golem's face.

* * *

After growling at everyone, Timcanpy retreated to Allen's bed. When Allen tried to get into the bed to go back to sleep, Timcanpy attacked him. Allen had 'yiped' and, in the way of his golem, jumped into Kanda's bed and growled when Kanda tried to push him out.

Kanda decided that his bed wasn't worth it, after the bean sprout had bitten his hand hard enough to draw blood.

When Link finished his documenting, that he continued after attempting to explain the phenomenon of the human child, he looked up to find Timcanpy in Allen's bed, Allen in Kanda's bed, and Kanda in Link's own bed. (As a side note, he saw that Johnny was sleeping comfortably in his own bed.) Frowning, more than usual, Link stalked over to the couch and fell asleep, ignoring the cries of the baby that had started again.

* * *

**NAW: This update is brought to you by DEAR GOSH THIS IS SO LATE.**

**Neah: That's nice... truly, it is.**

**NAW: *Frowns* So, thank you to wierdsquirrelgirl for following! I love you~ In a totally not creepy way :D And thank you to all the reviewers...**

**Lavi: Wow... there are so many! .o.**

**NAW: I know! It's crazy :D So, thanks to THE DARK HOUND (**I am very glad you like it :) I hope you continue to like it~**), wierdsquirrelgirl (**Ah. Is it closer to 'this is awesome' or wtf? :3 Oh and thank you! I'm glad you think it's good ^^**), Kakudo Shi (**Haha it certainly is something, now isn't it ;)**), Guest (**I am so happy that you liked it~! I will try to update quickly, but I can guarantee nothing now that I am in school again :(**), and sunshineandmoonlight (**A human baby... because I said so *Pout* If it wasn't odd, it wouldn't be a proper story, now would it?**) Well! That's it, thank you again, guys :DD**

**Allen: NAW doesn't own D. Gray-Man. It belongs to Katsura Hoshino.**

**Lavi: Hey, NAW...?**

**NAW: Yeeeesss?**

**Lavi: Why are you listening to the Secret Saturdays in the backround?**

**NAW: Um. That's a good question. Well, it's because I found a website I can watch it on, and I haven't seen it since it first came on television :)**

**Lavi: I see.**

**NAW: I feel like there's an insult hidden in between the lines right there...**

**Lavi: *Smile***


	4. Chapter 4

Johnny was cradling the golem spawn, cooing at it, while Allen, Link, and Kanda were having a discussion.

But since it involved Allen and Kanda, it was more of a screaming fest.

"We have to get rid of it, bean sprout. It's just going to be a pain to take care of!" Timcanpy hissed at Kanda.

"It's a baby, Bakanda. If we leave it, it will die!" Allen retorted, agreeing with Timcanpy.

"Well, good riddance," Kanda growled.

"Ladies, ladies. Let's just calm down, have a cup of tea and-"

"Shut up or you die," the two arguing teenagers interrupted their ill-tempered nanny, which (in retrospect) wasn't a good idea.

"No. You two shut up. The only thing you've been doing is arguing and it's driving me insane. If I have to hear one more 'Oh Bakanda' or 'Oh bean sprout' I swear I will file a restraining order on the both of you!" Link was panting heavily after his rant.

Johnny gasped highly, "Link's snapped!" The child gurgled as if to agree with him.

Howard shifted his weight to his other hip and crossed his arms sassily. Kanda and Allen both gulped at the same time, and then frowned at one-another. Link's foot started tapping. "Peace?" Allen asked, extending a hand awkwardly.

"Tch." Kanda turned his head away, but he could still feel link's demonic glare on the back of his head. "Fine," he grumbled, barely intelligibly, shaking Allen's hand. He removed his hand from Allen's quickly and proceeded to attempt to wipe off his newly acquired 'Allen germs'.

Link's glare softened as he rolled his eyes. "You're not three years old; he doesn't have cooties."

A noise from Johnny, trying to amuse the infant, drew everyone's attention, in the sudden silence.

"It doesn't have a name, does it…?" Kanda said flippantly. Everyone looked at him, and he raised an eyebrow. "What? If we're going to keep it, we have to give it a name."

"Evelyn?" Johnny piped up. All of the creatures who had the misfortune to be in the room stared at him. Johnny blushed slightly, "Well, it's a girl…" There was silence in the room as everyone stared at one-another.

"Sanae?" Link suggested.

"Pandora," Allen muttered. Timcanpy flapped off of Johnny's head, where it had been watching its spawn, and hovered around Allen's head before burying itself in his hair. "I think Tim likes that," Allen said, cocking his head to the side slightly.

* * *

**NAW: If you didn't catch it, the kid's name is based off of Pandora jewelry. Because Timcanpy's name was based off of a silver thingy *Smiles* Also, nope. Never heard of the fourth wall, have you? :D**

**Neah: I think you broke it more than once.**

**NAW: No, that was Link and Allen...**

**Neah: *Stare***

**NAW: *Stare***

**Neah: *Stare***

**Lavi: CAMEL BUTTS!**

**NAW/Neah: *Stares at Lavi***

**Lavi: *Stare***

**NAW/Neah: *Stare***

**NAW/Neah/Lavi: *Stare***

**Allen: ? NAW doesn't own D. Gray-Man. It belongs to Katsura Hoshino. Please read and review... or follow and favourite! ^^**


	5. Chapter 5

Johnny sat in a café that was down the street from the hotel he currently stayed in with the other three, and Timcanpy.

Swirling the coffee in his cup around, he absentmindedly muttered, "Not as good as Lenalee's."

Johnny sat silently for a few more minutes, just thinking, only to be jolted out of his thoughts when the chair across the table from him slammed backwards, and was pushed back in.

"I can't take it anymore!" the blonde CROW said, slapping his hands over his eyes. "It's like hell was unleashed in there!" Johnny's eyebrows shot up as he proceeded to calmly sip his coffee. Link sighed, calming down. "So, how are you doing?" he finally asked.

"Pretty well, thank you," Johnny answered immediately before taking another sip from the warm cup he held.

Link ordered a coffee as well, and they sat in silence for a while before Link moaned and rubbed at his ears. "I swear I can still hear Allen and Kanda arguing." After joining their group, he had become much less formal with the lot of them. None of them were exactly certain if that was a good thing or not.

Johnny put his cup down and looked around cautiously. "No… It's not just you…" he trailed off as the door to get into the café opened and both Kanda and Allen dropped themselves in front of Johnny, and held out Pandora, wheezing.

"Please, Johnny, tell us… how do you stop a child from crying?" Allen had anime tears falling from his face, and Kanda looked distinctly irritated. Timcanpy was flitting around his spawn, also appearing annoyed.

Johnny sweat dropped, and Link appeared to be suffering from a migraine. "Does she need to eat? Or have her diaper changed?" Kanda and Allen shared a glance, and simultaneously shrugged.

_This is going to be a long day,_ Johnny sighed mentally.

* * *

**NAW: I'm late again...**

**Neah: When were you trying to get it up?**

**NAW: Um... maybe, like, saturday...**

**Neah: Yeah. You're late.**

**NAW: TTATT Thank you to Ria Uzumaki for favouriting this story :D It's much appreciated~**

**Neah: What. No ramble today?**

**NAW: Well... if you insist... :D**

**Neah: Dear god, what have I done?!**

**NAW: I am in love with Linkin Park's album Living Things. The songs are just so good ^^ I am also addicted to Crystal Saga. I am finally level 40 *Dances around like a maniac* I have it open in another tab *Sly look*. All these chapter that I'm posting have actually been written during school. Heh. This story was supposed to be a break from my other one, and supposed to be more of a crack fic, but it's actually starting to gain a plot in my writing *Face palm* I blame Neah.**

**Neah: Guilty! Wait. What am I guilty of?**

**NAW: *Stares and shakes head sadly* Anyway, depressingly, Neah is my muse, so if he craps out, so do I, and if he wants to write, he forces me to do it for him. :( And that's why I have the oddest feeling that he will become a main character later...**

**Neah: *Smirk***

**Allen: *Sweatdrop* NAW still doesn't own D. Gray-Man and most likely never will! Please read and review and all that good stuff!**


	6. Chapter 6

It was almost midnight when Pandora finally fell asleep. All the men (and Timcanpy) let out a breathy sigh of relief. But quiet sighs, as to not wake the baby.

Timcanpy had been demoted to sleeping on the couch, so when Link was doing his continuative diary entries, Timcanpy snuck into his bed. Link was then left to fend for himself on the couch.

* * *

When Link woke up, early as usual, to his annoyance, he found Kanda and Allen arguing and Johnny taking refuge on his bed with Pandora. Timcanpy gave him a toothy, demonic grin from under Link's sheets where it had spent the night.

"I can't take it anymore! I'm just going to go back to the Order, you little shit!" That was Kanda.

"Good riddance," Allen sneered, causing Link to think of a previous situation.

The door slammed shut, and Kanda was gone.

"I hope you enjoy taking on akuma all by yourself," Link snarked. Allen slowly turned to face him, a traumatized look on his face

* * *

Allen and Johnny sat inside the room, slowly becoming deaf as Pandora's cries grew louder and more insistent.

"Could you get that?" Allen finally asked Johnny. He couldn't hear the white haired teen over the baby's crying, so Allen had to repeat it louder and louder until he was screaming at the other occupant of the room.

"Sure," Johnny yelled back after a moment of thought.

Reflexively, they looked around for Link, but then they remembered that he had left earlier to buy new reading glasses because his last ones were blown up by an akuma.

Allen rolled off the bed and went to the first floor and got two mugs of coffee.

He found Johnny, exhausted, on his bed. "Allen, I can't take much more of this," he gasped out. Allen sweat dropped, and set the two mugs down on the table.

"Me neither," Allen admitted with a sigh, lying down next to Johnny.

"Hey Allen?" Said teen turned over to look at the scientist. "Are we going to be running from the Order and the Noah forever?"

"No, eventually we'll die," Allen deadpanned. Johnny continued to stare at Allen, and he finally sighed, lying on his back. "Eventually we'll have to face one of them, if not both. If they find us… Take Timcanpy, Pandora, and run."

There was silence in the room at Allen clenched his fists and stared at the ceiling.

Then an annoyed, cracking voice broke the silence. "Johnny and bean sprout. Are you there?" Johnny lunged across the bed and grabbed a golem that looked to Allen to be a dust bunny with eyes.

"Kanda! I was wondering where my other transmitter went!" Johnny said, rather happy at this new development.

"Yeah. Well, you need to leave soon. I overheard Rouvellier talking with Komui. Somehow, they've been informed as to your whereabouts. I have a suspicion but…" his voice broke off. "Anyway, just get moving. I already have you owing me one, Johnny. Don't owe another." The transmitter crackled with static for a second. "Someone's coming. Don't use this to call me; I'll give you reports." The golem crackled once more and went silent.

"Owning him one?" Allen questioned.

"He saved me on a train from having my memories wiped," Johnny explained. At Allen's annoyed face, as he stared at the golem, Johnny said, "He's not all bad."

Allen sighed, rubbing his face. "I know, but he gets under my skin."

There was an uncomfortable silence as Allen and Johnny packed their own and Link's belongings.

They planned to move right after Link came back.

* * *

**NAW's Ramble Corner**

**NAW: I'm no longer in control of the way this story goes. It is now officially writing itself *Face palm***

**Neah: *Sarcastic clapping***

**NAW: Ha. Thanks, man. Oh, and since this is my Ramble Corner... :D ... I'm going to be cosplaying Road for Halloween! So excited~ (I found everything I needed for her outfit in my closet, and since I'm lazy, that's what I going to do!) All I need now is a wig... :3**

**Neah: *Sigh* No one cares about your personal life, or what you say in your ramble corner-**

**NAW: BLARGGGG RAMBLE CORNER IS CAPITALIZED!**

**Neah: Or what you say in your Ramble Corner**

**(NAW: Much better)**

**Neah: So you should just stop writing these.**

**NAW: *Sniffle* W-what? Why-y would you say that?**

**Tyki/Allen: *Huggles NAW* Geez, Neah, can you be any more mean?!**

**Neah: *Wtf face* Are you serious?**

**Tyki/Allen: *Whispering* If you be nice to her, she won't write bad things about you... bad things! D':**

**Neah: Psh. I'm her muse, she can't write anything bad about me.**

**Allen: NAW doesn't own D. Gray-Man, since it belongs to Katsura Hoshino. Please R&R!**


	7. Chapter 7

Link didn't come back that night.

Johnny, worried, had enlisted Allen to go on a rescue mission. So, now, and annoyed, tired, and hungry Allen was walking through the streets searching for the CROW.

"Allen."

The atmosphere suddenly felt weighted, as if the air itself was tensed for the next happenings.

"Allen Walker."

Allen felt like he was frozen. He forced his numb feet to move. He turned around only to see no one there. No one but his own shadow.

And the Fourteenth.

"Allen," the voice whispered again. It was definitely the Fourteenth, Allen decided. But he had never spoken before, so why now? "Walker," there was an amused edge to the Noah's voice.

"What do you want?" Allen demanded, his throat feeling dry. The Fourteenth didn't answer, and just when Allen thought he was in the clear, the Fourteenth- seemingly with a lot of effort- began to pull his shadowy body clean off the wall.

Allen found himself not caring about Link any longer. He just wanted to get out of here. Away from this shadow that had haunted him. This shadow that had now taken a real form, a substantial form.

He appeared just like Allen remembered from the landscape in his mind. Short, brown, messy hair, trench coat, same clothes… The only thing missing was his usual smirk. "Stay back!" Allen yelled at the figure, feeling only slightly ridiculous.

Neah's form flickered, and he held his arms out to the teenaged Destroyer of Time. "Allen…" In his mind, Allen heard Neah choke in a pained breath. "Help me…"

Allen was so stunned that he stopped moving for just a moment and stared at the Noah. They might've stood like this for hours if not for Johnny. Allen whipped around as he heard Johnny call him from behind, and came face-to-face with the panting scientist.

"Allen! I'm so glad I found you. Link came back, I'm sorry for sending you to look for him," he said embarrassedly.

"Ah. That's okay," Allen responded, smiling, as a natural reflex, at the flustered scientist.

As they began to head back to their apartment, Allen cast a wary glance back. The Fourteenth was gone.

* * *

**NAW: Yeah. Three chapters in one day. That gives me much less to talk about...**

**Neah: Good.**

**NAW: *Glares at Neah***

**Allen: NAW doesn't own D. Gray-Man.**

**NAW: I guess I can say that Neah forced his way into my story *Smile* It wasn't intentional. The story just magically wrote him in, I swear!**


End file.
